diaries of a skinny girl

tryingtofollow:

Don’t Be Skinny!

nikolasmason:

For the longest time, almost 6 years, I worshiped a figure known as ‘Ana’. She controlled my thoughts, my actions, gave me false hopes and unreachable goals. I went for days at a time, starving myself, restricting as much food as I could just to please her. She was all I cared about. If I did what she said, she repayed me in happiness.

Ana was not real. Ana was only in my mind. I’d have battles in my head between her thoughts and mine, trying to decide who to listen to. In the end, she always won. She was powerful. If I ignored her, I would get disgusting and extremely unhappy. If I obeyed her, there would be nothing but pure happiness. All she wanted was really simple: don’t eat. The more I listened, the more my stomach growled, and the more it growled, the happier she made me.

Ana was not real. She lead me on with the false hopes, making me terribly confused. Like some sort of schizophrenia, I did not know who to listen to. She eventually took over my whole brain, and all I did was not eat. All I could think about was nothing. I wanted to become nothing. I wanted to eat nothing. Eventually, I almost became nothing.

Ana was killing me. Every day I’d loose three to four pounds, loosing 50 pounds in just over a month. Every day my grades would slip. My mind would loose focus more and more. My clothes would get bigger and bigger. Eventually I could hardly function. I hid it from the world of course. I never told anyone that all of my muscles ache. I never told anyone I could barely lift things like my laptop anymore. Almost 99% of the day I’d feel like I was about to pass out. My head would feel empty, I’d feel like I was going to throw up. Every day it got worse and worse, yet I was happy. Ana was killing me, and I wasn’t stopping her.

Eventually I was put in a lot of therapy, put on different medications, all kinds of things, and slowly Ana started to fade. I regained my weight, and for a while, I struggled. I missed her. I wanted Ana back. She was my life-force. I didn’t know how to live without her. She kept getting further and further away, and I couldn’t help but grieve all the time of her departure. Every day I waited anxiously for her to come back, to make me happy and skinny again. But she never did.

Then just recently, something amazing happened. I for some reason decided to look back at some of the photos that were taken of me when I was at my lowest weight. It was horrible. I looked like I should’ve been on my death bed. How could I have liked that? It was disgusting. I look at myself in the mirror now and I love how I look. Sure, I’m not the most muscular or fit person in the world, but that’s ok. For the first time in my life, that is perfectly ok. I have finally gotten over Ana’s life-taking-happiness and found my own. I feel fully recovered and I am loving it. I never want to be like that again.

I wanted to say I’m sorry to everyone who was affected by this disease I had. I know many of you have probably never dealt with anorexia or know how it feels to have it. I honestly didn’t realize back then how much everyone was trying to help me. But now I do, and I’m so thankful for all of that. Thank you all so much.

And now a message to the people on Tumblr that I know have eating disorders. I’ve noticed some of you struggle with trying to decide if you want to get better or not, and some don’t even want to admit that they have an eating disorder at all, but it’s painfully obvious. While I’m not completely anti-anorexia, I do strongly suggest you all rethink your actions and maybe, just maybe, try to over come it. You may not die in the end and you may just be fine, and I know how ‘fun’ it is to have anorexia, but please think of the people you may be hurting. I never realized it until recently, and I feel terrible about it.

And PS: I know it’s odd that I refer to my disorder as a female, but it’s just how it seemed in my mind. She wasn’t a role-model, just a dictator like figure.